Knock it off. Knock it off. Oh, man. You're going to be in my hotel room later. Happy Wednesday, everyone. It's the first Wednesday of the New Year, and I can only hope you're holding on to those resolutions. After all, you want a beach bod, not a Bankman bod. Somebody get this guy a training bra. He's a 30-year-old guy with the body of Kathy Bates.
Speaking of banks, did you hear what's going down at Goldman Sachs? Huh, see, transition, everybody. As a recession becomes reality and layoffs loom. The perks that one used to enjoy at your job are disappearing faster than Whoopi Goldberg's Jewish fan base. According to The New York Post, they're taking away their free coffee perks for the Goldman Sachs employees. I know, stop the presses or at least the French presses. I know. That's why I sit here, and you're in the audience.
GODLMAN SACHS PLANNING TO LAY OFF THOUSANDS OF EMPLOYEES
So now those bankers will have to pay for it like the rest of us, just like I do for those massages. Bill Hemmer has such strong hands, sadly, as the New York Post reports, Goldman Sachs employees returned to work on Tuesday to find out that they'd have to pay for their crappy coffee. That's the Post's words, not mine. I'm guessing it's Starbucks, which I happen to like, because you know what I always say? I like my coffee the way I like my Joy Reid, black and really bitter.
So to quote one worker, they were "confronted" when they got their coffee "with a sign and a woman yelling at us" that the coffee was "no longer complimentary." A woman yelling at them, Judge, I didn't know you spend your mornings at Goldman Sachs. Anyway, the anonymous banker goes on quote, "we had to go to the checkout counter before we could leave, I paid $2.99 this morning for a ----- cup of Seattle's best. Well, I assume they're either talking about coffee or a urine sample from Kelsey Grammer, he's clean now.
But come on, people. What's with the whining? You don't have to buy coffee. You can make your own or choose to not drink it. It's not like the "Gutfeld!" paid toilets at the studio where the audience has no choice. And man, if I cleaned up on that, even if I don't clean them. But look, no one's forcing you to work there. You're not chained to your desk like Kat and that's for her own well-being. But caffeine may be the least of their worries.
GOLDMAN SACHS OFFICIAL TELLS "FACE THE NATION" THE RISK OF RECESSION IS "VERY, VERY HIGH"
As many as 4,000 "low performing" employees, 8% of the Goldman workforce could potentially be laid off. So they might as well buy the coffee then at least they already have a cup for people to drop change into. That was mean. I actually feel bad for them. But this is happening to everyone, not just Wall Streeters. So many Americans are dealing with inflation and an uncertain future. And for that misery, of course, you can thank Joe Biden's America. Am I right, people?
AUDIENCE: Applauses and cheers.
That's what you call a desperate attempt for red meat applause. That meat was redder than a baboon's --- during mating season. But I'm not totally heartless, regardless of what my four homeless, estranged children have to say. The rich have feelings, too, and I should know the price of helicopter fuel is driving me insane. Worse, I now have to fill the tank myself after letting Kilmeade go, and he could pack a lot of tears under those jaunty eyebrows.
GOLDMAN STRATEGISTS WARN S&P COULD DROP ANOTHER 11% IF RECESSION HITS
But this is what happens when good times suddenly become bad. All those perks seem to vanish faster than a CNN anchor. What freebies that were once dangled in front of you to join the firm disappear like a garbage bag full of éclairs during "The View's" feeding time, but it's like SeaWorld. But we're all experiencing this malaise. Before the media would ignore it, the politicians would deny it and when it got undeniably worse, the press and politicians would collude and tell us that inflation is actually a good thing, which is like saying COVID is a good thing or high crime is a good thing. In fact, now that I think of it, pretty sure they did say that.
As for Goldman Sachs, a company that's already dealing with lower revenues in this uncertain economic climate, coworkers claim that the free coffee was the last straw, which sucks because that straw was going to be saved for the blow.
