Ever notice how the biggest stories get the least attention? Weird how that works. The fake duchess from Santa Monica spends an hour talking to Oprah about her skincare regime and it's the lead of every morning show in America. Joe Biden institutes a government-wide system of racial discrimination that dwarfs Jim Crow and nobody seems to notice. It happened yesterday, by the way. Did you know that? Probably not, because there was no press conference or signing ceremony, no media coverage, but 24 hours ago, it happened.
Biden restructured the entire executive branch of the U.S. government to discriminate on the basis of immutable characteristics. He made that announcement on the White House website and it proclaims that within 30 days, every federal agency, all of them from the Department of Justice to NASA, to the Social Security Administration, all of them all must "ensure" that they have an agency equity team within their respective agencies to coordinate the implementation of equity initiatives and these Maoist equity teams will report to something called the Gender Policy Council and the White House "environmental justice officer." Does the environmental justice officer carry a sidearm? We don't know actually.
We do know that running all of this, which is the largest racial tracking bureaucracy since the fall of Nazi Germany, will be former President Barack Obama and he'll be doing that as always through his long-time lackey and cut out Susan Rice. Rice's goal, the goal of the entire initiative, is to place the federal government, all of it, in opposition to a very specific slice of the American population, not a foreign population, our own population. Here's how it works: Every single person in the United States will qualify for one of Joe Biden's many protected categories except straight White men.
So, we're all in this together, except those guys who are on the outs. It's all of us versus them, straight White men. They will not be protected because they are, by virtue of being straight and White and male, the cause of the problem. They're the enemy. So, this is a big change and it's got enormous consequences. Among other things, it makes you wonder why would straight White men continue to pay their taxes? And by the way, what percentage of taxes in the United States are paid by straight White men? That's one statistic you never hear. Why is that?
But if you're one of them, you may wonder, "Wait, I'm working half the year for the government, which takes my money and then uses it to demonize me and disenfranchise me from a government I thought I was an equal owner of. I thought we were all in this together? We're all citizens, but I still pay half my income to people who hate me? Why would I do that? It seems masochistic."
Well, you do that because you have no choice. The IRS has more guns than you do. It's that simple. Meanwhile, don't expect a government contract or an SBA loan or even decent service from the clerk of the DMV. You're a domestic enemy now. You're an English-speaking version of Vladimir Putin. The equity agenda is your personal sanctions regime. It's amazing if you think about it. And someday we'll all pause long enough to wonder how this could have happened in a country that claims to love the civil rights movement and build monuments to it.
But that's in the future. For now, the White House just wants us to shut up and celebrate because henceforth every official Joe Biden hires will be a first, not the first achievement, not the first in the class. No, better than that, much better —first in appearance, the first person who looks a certain way or sleeps with a certain kind of person, the first in identity. That's what matters. So, you can imagine it was with deep and justifiable pride that the administration announced that after a grueling nationwide search, they had finally located a gay White House communications director. Hooray! The news was announced by America's first illiterate White House press secretary. Watch her beam.
KARINE JEAN PIERRE: And I look forward to welcoming Ben LaBolt. As you all know, he has been announced to replace Kate as communications director back to the White House. I also know that Ben is making history, as you know, we believe here in the Biden-Harris White House that representation matters. He will be the first openly gay communications director, which is very, very important indeed.
Yay! He's gay and that's "very, very important." It's pretty thrilling. Finally, gay people will know they can achieve something in this country. They can leave their jobs at the asphalt plant and head to Washington for fame and fortune. Next thing you know, they'll have TV shows on Bravo. The possibilities are exciting. He is their Jackie Robinson.
But you do wonder what exactly is the difference in real life between a gay communications director and a straight communications director? Are they really that different? We weren't aware that a communications director's sex life had any bearing on his official duties, but that we don't know everything.
We called over to the White House today to see how this new gay communications director will be a massive upgrade over the last straight communications director. Unfortunately, they never explained the difference. We're going to have to take it on faith and to celebrate with everybody else. Joe Biden is doing that, as he's told us repeatedly, do not look beneath the surface. No. Appearance is all that matters. Not only can you judge a book by its cover. Yes, you can. From here on out, you're required to judge a book by its cover. Here is the print.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: This will be the first cabinet ever that is evenly composed with as many women as men in the cabinet. This would be the first cabinet ever with a majority of people of color occupying this cabinet and it has more than a dozen history making appointments, including the first woman secretary of Treasury, the first African American defense secretary, the first openly gay cabinet member and the first Native American cabinet secretary.
Well, that sounds amazing. It sounds amazing! It's like one of those old time Benetton ads. The question is, is it a good cabinet? Are they capable? No, that's not even relevant.
Lloyd Austin, we should say the secretary of defense is definitely a first and we're going to give him credit for that. He's the very first secretary of defense to spend millions of dollars shooting down thrift store balloons with missiles. That's never happened, and he did it. He's the first secretary of defense to hand the Taliban thousands of armored vehicles, drones and helicopters to build them their own army for free. Nobody even thought of doing that before Lloyd Austin arrived. and of course, Lloyd Austin is the first defense secretary to wear not simply a surgical mask to protect himself from a flu virus, but also a full plastic face shield like he was welding.
You can't say Lloyd Austin hasn't broken important glass ceilings. He has. But weirdly, his boss didn't mention any of that. As far as Joe Biden is concerned, Lloyd Austin's main achievement in life is his genetic makeup. Lloyd Austin was born great. Some people just are.
Richard Levine by contrast, was not born great. Richard Levine was born a White man, which is to say, an untouchable, the bottom of the caste system. That is bad, but here's the good news, ladies and gentlemen. With the help of a wig and some falsies, Richard Levine rose above his station. He is now a she, and she is now an admiral. Talk about inspiring. Watch this.
RACHEL LEVINE: I'm honored to serve as the first female four-star officer of the U.S. Public Health Service Commissioned Corps.
Now, the great thing about Richard Levine's new identity is that it wipes away, it washes away, not to use theological language, all previous mistakes, otherwise known as sins. Those don't count anymore because Richard Levine is now Rachel Levine. So, Richard Levine exposed nursing home residents to COVID in Pennsylvania, got a lot of them killed. He was a senior health official there. He evacuated his own mother from one of those facilities because, yeah, the plebs die, but not my mom.
That seems like a bad thing, but now these were on women's clothes. It's totally forgiven. That never happened. To mention it is dead naming him. That was his old identity. Come on now, you transphobic creep! The whole federal government operates that way. It doesn't matter how bad you are, as long as you can claim to be a first.
Pete Buttigieg is supposedly the first gay cabinet secretary. Now, is he actually gay? He was dating women not that long ago. Shut up. He is now. And because he is, the fact that his tenure has been a disaster for the country, irrelevant. That mushroom cloud over Ohio? It never happened. He's a first. Watch.
BIDEN: I think we have more LGBTQ people than any administration or every administration combined. From day one, this has been the most pro-equality administration in history, led by guys like Pete Buttigieg. Secretary Buttigieg, who needs no introduction, is doing an outstanding job of rebuilding America and I mean that in a literal sense and not just in terms of what he's doing in transportation, but he's helping to rebuild pride in America.
I don't know how to pronounce the guy's last name. Pete Buttigieg. Excuse me, Pete Buttigieg. Look, he's gay, super, super gay, so shut up. Is he actually gay? Shut up, he's gay.
No one has benefited more from these new standards, these very inflexible, genetics-based standards more than Kamala, Carmella, Carmela, whatever you're calling her, the vice president. Now, she hasn't, strictly speaking, been a success. She supposed to keep the peace in Ukraine. That resulted in a war. She supposed to secure the border. 7 million illegals later, you can't say she actually did a good job. She supposed to get Joe Biden's voting rights bill passed in Congress.
She hasn't actually done a lot by traditional standards. But she's a first and that means we are forever grateful for her and actually, we are. We're not mocking because if she wasn't on the scene, we'd never hear things like this:
KARINE JEAN-PIERRE CALLS BIDEN ‘BEST COMMUNICATOR’ IN WHITE HOUSE
KAMALA HARRIS: We will maintain the perspective that we have in terms of what should be the relationship between China and the United States. That is not going to change, but surely and certainly that balloon was not helpful, which is why we shot it down.
Did you hear that? First of all, is anyone at home keeping track of the use of the phrase "in terms of," which doesn't actually mean anything? It's filler in a sentence that dumb people use to appear like they know what they're talking about, or more precisely, to give them time to think through what they're saying as they're saying it. Whatever. She's a chronic user of "in terms of," but a new policy has been announced by Kamala Harris and that is that all "non-helpful balloons" will be shot down.
Now, unfortunately, hot air balloon season is starting soon in Albuquerque and around the country. Are they going to be shut down? Are they helpful balloons or unhelpful balloons in terms of shutting them down, in terms of vis-à-vis. Balloons across America need some clarification on that, but whatever. She's a first. Shut up.
While we're at it, by the way, as long as we're trying to get clarification, it would be nice to get some other clarifications from our equity-minded leaders before the 30-day timeline on equity enforcement runs out. We're still waiting, for example, for our new Supreme Court justice, Ketanji Brown Jackson, to tell us what a lady she doesn't know.
MARSHA BLACKBURN: Can you provide a definition for the word "woman?"
KETANJI BROWN JACKSON: Can I provide a definition?
MARSHA BLACKBURN: Yeah.
KETANJI BROWN JACKSON: I can’t.
MARSHA BLACKBURN: You can't?
KETANJI BROWN JACKSON: Not in a case context, I'm not a biologist.
That's pretty amazing that we have a meme on the Internet. We all get kind of used to it. This lady is now in the Supreme Court and I mean, that's not one of the hard questions, right? Like: recite the Constitution from memory. That might be a challenge. What's a woman? She's now on the Supreme Court. She's not alone. We just had a federal judge, who we think Lindsey Graham voted for, in a hearing in the Congress who didn't know what was in the Constitution, but shut up. She was a first. We're going to judge that book by its cover and vote yes. Now, Joe Biden apparently is trying to convince us that not only are his nominees diverse, they're firsts. He himself is diverse. Watch this.
BIDEN: I also want to acknowledge someone else who means a great deal to our family, Rabbi Michael Beals of the congregation Beth Shalom in Wilmington, Delaware. That's where I received my education. I probably went to school more than many of you did. You all think I'm kidding?
BIDEN: We have a very, in relative terms, a large Puerto Rican population in Delaware.
BIDEN: I was sort of raised in the Puerto Rican community at home.
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BIDEN: I got my education for real in the Black church and that's not hyperbole. That's a fact.
Joe Biden spent his young years in a yeshiva. He had ear locks at the time, hitting the Torah and the Talmud. There was a Puerto Rican yeshiva that was part of a Black church. OK, so you may look at Joe Biden and say, "You're completely incompetent. In fact, you have dementia. You can barely walk. You mistake your sister for your wife. You can't run the most powerful country in the world."
Well, shut up, I studied at a yeshiva, a Puerto Rican yeshiva in a Black church. Talk about a first! I'm a first of a first!
