It's Dec. 6. You know what that means? National Miners Day. The guys that work underground, not the other kind of miners. So put your pants back on, CNN.
So have you heard the glorious news? Make-A-Wish finally got wind of Jimmy's story and is giving him a makeover. Dreams really do come true. What rodeo clown did you service to get that shirt? Anyway, we can answer that later. But also big news: Disgraced attorney Michael Avenatti has been sentenced to 14 years in prison for embezzling millions of dollars.
They feel strongly. Yeah, guy is slimier than a bowl of okra with a side of slugs.
Embezzling, of course, means stealing if you do it while wearing a suit, tie and one of those sexy shirt garters. Thank God I worked out for the photo shoot.
In addition to the 14 years behind bars, Avenatti will also have to pay almost 11 million bucks in restitution to four clients and the IRS. Restitution — sounds like when I pay women to take a nap with me.
This new sentence is separate from the one he's currently serving, which is five years for trying to extort money from Nike and also stealing Stormy Daniels's hard-earned cash right from under her Double Ds, otherwise known as Silicon Valley. Yep.
He snatched $300 grand from a book advance from Daniels. Guess I should have chose a better verb there. But anyway, the cash taken from Stormy, however, was easy to trace since it was all $1 bills.
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Avenatti will start serving those 14 years after he finishes that term, and by then, I'll be 60. Now, for those of you too young to remember, Avenatti became quite the liberal hero. You know, like a tax collector or a doctor who gave sex changes to kids.
It happened when he took on President Trump by sidling up next to Stormy Daniels's rump. Poor thing. She thought Avenatti was going to help her, but instead he screwed her, something she'd normally get paid for, but in this case, it was the reverse.
And the media, they couldn't get enough of Avenatti and that slick skull of his, handicapped by their own biases and poor judgment. Remember all this nonsense?
CHRIS CUOMO, 2018: You got lucky tonight. We're back with attorney Michael Avenatti. He is a main player.
ANA NAVARRO, 2018: To me, you're like the Holy Spirit. You are all places at all times.
JOY BEHAR, 2018: He's out there saving the country.
CHRIS MATTHEWS, 2018: Look, I think you're doing a hell of a job... I don't think you're in this for money.
BRIAN STELTER, 2018: Looking ahead to 2020, one of the reasons why I'm taking you seriously as a contender is because of your presence on cable news.
You're like that sack of eyeballs in the back of my fridge that didn't age well. No wonder CNN gave Brian Stelter his walking papers, whatever it takes to get him to exercise. That was mean.
But this whole Avenatti scandal bolsters arguments you've come to hear a lot from this show. First, I always say, "Never date a stripper" — and not just because it's your step-mom.
But also that the media happily chases any shiny ball placed in front of them as long as the shiny ball indulges their assumptions. In this case, it was all about evil Trump. Avenatti capitalized on their Trump derangement and rode it like a drugstore donkey into any left-wing wet dream factory that would have him.
But the good news: It's yet another media narrative falling apart. The news builds stories like they're a house of cards, and as time flies by, it creates a gust of wind which blows their houses over. And some take more time than others.
You got former President Trump's nuclear secrets that turned up in a cardboard box in Mar-a-Lago that ended up being memorabilia. So that story went away faster than the polyester rash on Jimmy's chest. They accused Trump of what the Rosenbergs were executed for, but no correction necessary. I'm thinking the media's got more people killed than Kat's cooking.
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Turns out crypto king Sam Bankman-Fried was more like Klepto King after it was discovered he was using clients' funds allegedly to backstop losses at another business he founded. But like Avenatti riding in on Trump derangement, creepy Sam rode in on virtue signaling. Another scam the media swallows like a pound of sardines during feeding time at "The View."
And where did all that money go? Houses, swimming pools, drugs. He certainly didn't use client money for a haircut and breast reduction. He's what happens when you mate Mark Cuban with a toilet brush. It's uncanny.
I suppose it's a coincidence he was a top Democrat donor and he hasn't been arrested yet. Like it's a coincidence that holiday parties end when Brian Kilmeade shows up.
We're also learning a whole lot about how the media and the government colluded to subvert an election through social media. Despite what the media said, Hunter's laptop is as real as my gorgeous, hairless pecs.
The point is, I'm going to tell you what you already know. Whatever the mainstream media backs, run screaming from it like you just saw Ana Navarro in a three-way mirror. And whatever they tell you, you know it isn't true. Take it with a grain of salt like when I promised my interns a bonus. It's on them for believing me.
And the next time the mainstream media tries to sell you something like a charismatic lawyer fighting for the underdog, keep walking. Because unlike you, their memories are shorter than our president's. They think you're stupid and lazy. And, boy, if that's not the pot calling the kettle a person of color.
It's no wonder no one trusts them anymore. And that's why this Christmas, so many of them are getting a severance package along with a lump of coal.
